Ain’t this some shit…one minute i’m waiting on Tina to get home from taking care of Cam (who’s still sick with the flu) and the next minute we’re getting the boot from where we’re staying…and everything sorta went down the drain from there. Ain’t that a bitch. Well, not down the drain with me and Tina but with me staying here. It’s 7:46 am right now and I’m sitting in Mickey D’s sipping on bad coffee trying to steal WiFi from the Mc Donald’s server. 

Fuck this sucks. I know Tina’s at her dad’s house prolly throwing shit around pissed off at Jaime and at all of this. Fuck…really, this sucks. Blindsided by some dumb ass people who apparently don’t know how to talk to people and they let shit fester and build up. I mean..how the fuck can you kick someone out when you know they have no where else to go and it’s gonna be 19F in the morning. Fucking dumb ass people…and it don’t have nothing to do with how me and Tina are with one another, but the repercussions are still ending up fucking everything up for the two of us.

So with a heavy, pissed off heart, I’m leaving Lexington today. Don’t know when but…that’s all I can do for now. I have no means to any ends…we have no place to stay…I mean, Tina can stay at her Dad’s for the time being since that’s where Cam is but us together, we’re shit outta luck.

I feel so bad too. It’s not my fault or Tina’s fault but, being a man, I feel like I should’ve had something going by now…some sorta plan…something. Tina’s a sweetheart. She won’t let me start on my pity party. The way she looks at it, she’s apologizing to me but it ain’t her fault. This just fucking sucks more than anything I can think of. 

I’ve spent the last 5 weeks lost in Tina Land and…fuck…I didn’t see this day coming. And if it was it would’ve been on my terms not some bullshit drama-power move like this. Fuckin’…I wasn’t even going into detail before about everything going on because i figured, hell…I’m not trying to put anybody on blast but fuck’em! FUCK’EM ALL. 

Dumb ass Jaime and her fuckin’ whore-ass ways. She tries to be cool with everyone but ends up manipulating and using everyone she comes in contact with. Do you know she came over the house with three different guys in three consecutive days? 

First her boyfriend of 8 years, then her co-worker she went on a date with then the next day…get this…she comes over with the guys who her mom’s dating…she came over with his son who was on leave from Iraq. Fuckin’ how Jerry Springer is that shit. Dating the son of the man your mom is dating…basically her step-brother if her mom gets married to dude. Fucking WTF is that shit.

She knew dude for all of three days before she left her boyfriend for good…and what’s fucked up is she told her boyfriend that she left because she had to help Tina get on her feet…not cuz she found a new man. Fuck that dumb ass manipulating bitch. Don’t put that shit on Tina if you can’t take the fuckin’ heat. Keep your fuckin’ legs closed. Hope you get preggers by all three of them and have the Benentton triplets. LOL!!! Cuz that’s what you deserve!

She’s gonna get hers too. Her and her dumb ass mom. Her ‘boyfriend’ just happens to be going to Iraq today too. How convenient! The same day we were told to get the fuck out in the morning by some gnarly looking Grizzly Adams bitch. Fuck’em both.

They’ll both get what’s coming to them. This bullshit put us both in a state of shock last night. I mean…fuck…how do you come over at 10:30 pm and lay shit like this on us…that’s fucked up. What, they couldn’t say nothing the past four weeks? Say anything! Naaaw….just chumming it and hamming it up like everything’s all good. Fuck, say what you gotta say so it doesn’t blindside us like this shit. It’s just all fucked up f’real.

Jaime knew we were going to get a place by the 1st. Jaime knew I didn’t start my job yet. Jaime knew that Tina hasn’t been working because of some medical issues she had earlier this year. Jaime knew that we couldn’t really go no where else so why the fuck did she say it was cool for us to stay there in the first place? Why’d she even offer? Tina told her that it’d be at least a month. Fuck…rent was only $395 so it wasn’t like it was gonna break anyone that we were there. Oh fuck that must be a million bucks to some people I guess. You really find out who your friends are at times like this and that bitch ain’t no friend. 

I understand her wanting us to find a place…hell, we found one in the same building…but all this high school he-said-she-said shit is ridiculous. I’m used to dealing with grown folk who tell you what needs to be told not some hint-hint-I’m-gonna-tell-my-mama-type shit. Fuck that. The same time she’s telling her shit about us, she comes over and can’t stop talking shit about her mom fucking up her life and shit…so which is it bitch? Fuck you.

This is just fucked. I’m grown and I HATE doing things that I don’t want to do. Or doing things that I’m forced to do because I have no choice. It’s a position I don’t like being in. Not just stuck between a rock and a hard place but just being shit outta luck. I hate begging people for money. I know it’s asking but I feel like a fuckin’ broke as beggar cuz I had nowhere else to turn. I had nothing else I could do. Shit outta luck sucks.

And worse of all I feel so bad for Tina. I finally get over here…everything is going good…well, good between the two of us…we never ever argued…we never ever got into it…no matter how dreary things were…no matter how bleak the situation seemed, we were good together. 

She loves me despite everything I hate about myself. She still thinks I’m cute even though I’m hobbling around the house with gout for three weeks walking around like Kaiser Sosa. She loves me for me and for real so don’t even think that what we going together had had anything to do with me leaving. Just circumstances beyond my control…and unfortunately she thinks that if I leave, she’ll never see me again.

That’s not true! I’m gonna see her again. She’s gonna see me again. I’m going to make sure of it. If I have to get my shit straight and drive back, I’m gonna drive back. That’s what sucks the most too…any problems we had…it wasn’t brought on by either one of us. She’s very kind and patient and loving and all that with me. Genuine, no doubt. Y’all know me so I wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t true. We’re good together. I love her. She loves me. Dammit! 

Mickey D’s is starting to fill up now with folks reminiscing about World War II and other random geriatric diatribe…I’m still milking this medium coffee for all it’s worth. Hell, I’m not even connected to the internet but if I don’t get this shit out now I’m gonna blow the fuck up. I feel so bad. This is so fucked up. It really is. 

Oh…and the reason I’m here, right now at Mc Donald’s is just as stupid as Jaime is. I knew that I had to be out at 6-7am today…so I begged like a fuckin’ beggar and, well, my bro hooked it up. He paypal’d me some funds so I could get a cheap hotel room for the day/night…and clear my head and figure out where to go from there. 

Well I’m on Paypal last night checking my account and there’s some type of limit on my account. LIMITED ACCESS! What the fuck is that shit?!?! I knew I was fucked last night. We go to Walgreen’s this morning and I try my card on the ATM machine and…fuck…it don’t work. What makes it even worse is ghetto-ass Paypal only has people answering customer service calls at certain times…and I have to wait at least until 10am EST before I can call them and straighten everything out. Fuck!

So now I’m here…rambling on with random retirees staring at me typing away in my TextEdit program. At least I’m not freezing but this still sucks ass. Sorry for all the cussin’…fuck it…I’m really not. I’m fuckin’ pissed. Pissed pissed pissed. This isn’t how I envisioned today being at all. Not at all. I mean…WHAT THE FUCK!

The playlist isn’t over. Me and Tina aren’t over. Tina thinks that if I leave that she’s never going to see me again. That’s not true at all. I love her with all my heart. That’s real…and I am going to see her again. I promise. I promised her back in the summer that I was gonna come out to see her and I promised her that I’m gonna be back. This time with a plan…with something more than a suitcase full of Upper Playground T-shirts and MF DOOM paintings. I’m gonna have my shit straight and do things right. 

People don’t know…but I felt it was imminent for me to see her when I did. I know it was on a whim…but it was more on a whim for everyone else cuz they didn’t know all of what was going on. With me, with Tina, with her life and everything…but it was important that I get here and I did. Now I’m gonna make my way back. It’s deeper than what most of y’all are thinking btw. This ain’t no 2,400 mile booty call. This ain’t no failed experiment ‘oh at least you tried’ shit. I know what I know and so does Tina…and we’ll be together again. I know it.

Oh and this shit with Jaime and her mom…that shit ain’t over either. Don’t piss someone off when they have alot, alot, ALOT of fuckin’ dirt on you. And Tina has tons of dirt on that skanky lil’ people-pleasing-selfish-dumbass-bitch. Can you believe she’s known her since they were kids? That makes it even more fucked up. 

Reggie would never do this type of shit to me. I know he’d be in my ear telling me to find a fuckin’ job or a place but he wouldn’t put me out like this. I can handle the nagging to find a job or get a plan…i can’t put up with this scanlous ass shit tho’. Don’t act like everything’s all good when it ain’t. Don’t keep saying that we’re good until the 1st when you want us out on the 22nd. Fuck, just say something!!!

I’m gonna do everything smarter next time. I’m gonna be sure to get my shit together next time and not be so impulsive on getting over here. Moreso because I know what I need to do and I know what I’m missing when we’re apart. I’m still rambling and it’s an hour later. I wonder how much more time I can kill carrying on like this? Fuck…I better eat my Sausage Biscuit thingee. Brb…gonna proof read while I eat real quick.

Meh…it tasted like shit. 

Thanks for everyone who read this shit. Thanks for everyone who wished us well. Thanks for everyone who’s gonna bite their tongue and not tell me something stupid like “I told you so” or “Well, at least you tried” cuz this has nothing to do with how I feel about Tina or how she feels about me. It’s just some dumb shit that’s out of my control right now, and I realize how much I hate not being in control of situations like this. 

I’m out for now. No SotD today. I don’t really feel like it right now.

Fuck…

this sucks!